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| I read this article a long time ago, about a woman who is going on 100 dates over coffee. I really liked the way it's written - she has a very honest, wry style. And she has a lot of insights about what people think they want, and think they're looking for, in their relationships.
There is one aspect to that she touches on, that I have been thinking about. I think a lot of people confuse like and love. I wish they didn't - it would make everyone so much happier...a lot of the problem comes from that hollywood notion that love is something outside your control, that it "just happens" and it'll hit you like lightning and no matter how much you otherwise hate the person, if you fall in love with them, well that's it, you were meant to be. And that liking people is a conscious choice - you choose your friends after all, right? Friendship is much more rational and ordered that way, right?
But that's backwards - you have little choice in your friends, actually, don't you? Who do you like? People who share your interests, or have a compatible personality to yours, I imagine. You get along with them easily, they get you easily. Your schedules are compatible. These things, you really can't help or change - any given person will either share these things with you or not. You can't help what you like. You have preferences, and they're just there. You like some foods, talking about certain things in certain ways, and it would kill you a little inside to change those completely. They're a part of you. It wasn't a conscious choice. On the other hand, you have every choice over who you love. Because the nature of love focuses simply on someone's identity as a person, not those layers of personality and interests that you can like or not like. And if you choose to, you can love that person. Love is all about doing things you don't always want to. Love is hard work, and compromise. It is deeper than mere emotion - it's a conscious choice.
But the worst part of this, I think, is when people confuse what they *want*. I think, most people want very much to be liked - they want people to enjoy having them around, to want to be friends with them. They want not to offend or bore people, but to please and entertain them - and to the extent they accomplish these things or not, they judge their performance as a person, in a sense. People like me! I must be a good person - people don't seem to like me, I must be a bad person, or doing something horribly wrong. But this makes no sense - people can't help what they like, really, so how does it make sense to try to be liked by everyone? Just like you can't possibly like everyone - everyone's so different. It's ok. You like what you like, and that's a part of you, and that's great - it would be a horrible world if no one liked anything particularly more than anything else. Maybe you're tall and someone particularly likes short people - well what's the point in feeling bad about that? It's not personal. So don't seek after it like it's important.
The thing to strive for, is to love people, and to be loved. You can love each and every human no matter what kind of person they are. And being loved is so far and away better than being liked - because you have no fear that anything you say or do can mess it up. So you can share your secrets and struggles and not have to hide them, for fear of offending others and losing their like of you. And there is nothing more healing to your own soul than to love others and show it, through their dark and ugly times - just like there is nothing more poisonous than to hate and disown someone because you think you see something repulsive in their core. This is worth judging yourself on, because this is what you need to do, and what will bring fulfillment in the end. Not having lots of people like you, not showing lots of people that you like them.
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| I can't remember the last time I did laundry, but I'm doing some emergency loads now. too much traveling! One of these days, I will make a system. (the system may very well take the form of "a wife", but somehow or another it will happen).
I was just at the cape with the family, using 2 free nights I got from that horrible work trip to tijuana. (interesting footnote: the hotel accidentally billed me, and apparently the full value of the free nights was $730. wowzers.) Last night the parent trap remake came on and I watched it till my mom made us turn everything off (about 45 mins of the middle). I forgot how much I liked it and my sis had never seen it, so I just ordered it to watch with her the next time I am down. While ordering, I noticed the mom was played by natasha richardson - this made me a little sad.
A while ago, I caught the barest snippet on NPR about John Hughes, who had just died. I'm pretty ignorant and didn't know who he was even though, as it turns out, I'd watched and really enjoyed quite a few of his films. The commentary touched on how true-to-life his high school movies were, and how down-to-earth and non-hollywood he was, sort of the nerdy and unpopular type. I remember the person talking mentioned something about seeing him and Molly Ringwald together (who was considered quite the hottie back then) and how it somehow almost seemed like Hughes and worked so hard to become this director just so he could finally hang out with someone like her. Something like that, I'm probably mangling the memory.
Then eurieka posted a link to this amazing blog post. I randomly clicked on it and couldn't stop reading once I started. It's such a beautiful story. I don't know how well-known this is, but secretly, deep-down, I have a terribly pessimistic view of the world - it's all going to hell in a handbasket, and while there might be temporary departures back the right way once in a while, on average things will just keep getting worse, people will get more greedy and selfish and disconnected and have ever more screwed-up priorities, and it will never again be as fun to be a kid as it was for me. But a story like this...I don't know if it gives me hope, or just helps me forget those fears for a while, but I love that this successful, busy man connected with this hopeful kid, whom he was writing for. And in the end, what mattered to both of them wasn't what they got out of it, but the other person. She wasn't just inspiration for him, or a sympathetic ear, but a friend he was happy for when her career started to blossom, and to whom he needed to explain his retirement from film.
So, like her, I'm sad he's gone. I hope his kind of spirit lives on.
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| Stupid obscure venting for my own sanity. I just read a STUPID article about what to do about your severely wounded 401k. At some point it gives you estimates on how long it will take to build the value back to where it was before the stock market crashed, and it says you make back money two ways: by the return on your investments, and by contributions. Now, I am totally in favor of recommending to people that they continue with contributions, but it actually really irritates me when I look at this kind of "advice" (and my own 401k statements) that they combine contributions and investment gains/losses together. If my contributions and investment losses cancel out, they would say "you have maintained your nest egg's value in a down economy, good job!" But really, isn't that bad? My investments lost money. I would have done better not contributing and putting my cash into a savings account. Let's be honest here. We're trying to pick the best investments for the best return over your investing timeline, right? why do they insist on making everything fuzzy by combining it with contributions? (the cynical reason, of course, is it makes things harder for you to figure out so you have to trust the people taking a slice out of all the money you keep invested).
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| I've been too long in the wind
Too long in the rain
Taking any comfort that I can
Looking back I'm longing for the freedom of my chains
And lying in your loving arms again
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| Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last. But we do it to get a crown that will last forever.
What is his prize? Paul says it's not a perishable crown, it's an imperishable crown.
In 1st Thessalonians 2 he writes to the thessalonians: Remember how we were gentle among you? We loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the Gospel of God, but our very selves? Because you had become dear to us. For what is our joy, or the crown in which we will rejoice in the presence of the Lord Jesus? Is it not you. You are our joy and our crown.
Or here's philippians chapter 4 verse 1: therefore my brothers and sisters, you who I love and long for (long for!), my joy and my crown.
Hebrews chapter 12: Therefore let us throw off everything that hinders, and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run the race with perseverance that is marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, made light of its shame, and sat down at the right hand of God. Consider him who endured, that you may not grow weary and lose heart.
What was the joy set before Jesus? Was it a crown? Was it glory? He had the glory. Was it God? He had God. Was it a relationship with the Father? He had a relationship with the Father. All before - why would He have come down here? What joy did he not already have? The only possible thing that would have brought Jesus down here, the only thing He didn't already have, was you, was us. The joy that was set before Him, was us. He loved us so much, that he made light of the cross, and was able to endure it. The more we realize that he did this for us, the more we can endure for the sake of the same crown and joy - the salvation of others.
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